If you'd known me in high school, you would have known a substantially larger man. When I was a kid I liked eating...a lot. I used to come home from school and eat anything that didn't have a Mr. Yuck sticker on it, and by the time I was a junior I resembled Captain Lou Albano. Through a revolutionary diet of ice cream and watermelon, and by discovering racquetball, the one sport (besides tetherball) in which the ball actually comes back to you, I dropped 90 lbs. over the one summer and came back my senior year as a lean, mean, love machine.
The residual effect of this is that I think more about my weight than a lot of guys do. I'm not quite the two-dimensional being I was that year, but I've managed to stay within acceptable boundaries of mass and girth. I've accomplished this with periodic diets and spurts of exercise, which ironically coincide with periods of gluttony and debauchery. Look, that burger is going to taste better with cheese and bacon on it...it just is...and if you think I'm eating carrots for dinner for the rest of my life you're wildly mistaken. Right now, though, Oodgie and I are jointly recovering from all the mass quantities of turducken and nog consumed over the holidays, so I'm trying to be really good. For the record, I've been a regular freakin' Susan Powter for the last few weeks.
Except...
I'm walking through the dim fluorescent glow of our office today, and I happened to pass a cube which I knew...I knew...bore temptation. There's lots of candy floating around our floor, including some insanely high-end chocolate and cookies sent as bribes by vendors. I've ignored it all, secure in my pursuit of better health and a vague Andrew McCarthyness. But I have no defense against the orange/yellow glow of Butterfingers. Even worse...they were FUN SIZE! I want to have FUN! Butterfingers are FUN! And so, soooooo good. That fun size fits right in your pocket (in fact, you can get between 8 and 24 in your pocket, depending on the pants you are wearing...so I'm told) and in the palm of your hand and crunch crunch crunch it's gone, leaving that buttery chocolate taste on your tongue and compacted crispety crunchiness in your molars.
Don't judge me...you know you're craving one now, too! I may be eating cardboard tonight as punishment, but it was worth it.
I think you should send that to the Butterfingers company. You may get an offer to do an ad for them. You certainly sold me.
Posted by: Mom | January 17, 2006 at 06:48 PM
I, too, have been having a certain amount of, um, control issues with the sweets lately. Especially the baked goodies. But soon I'll be a new woman! Exercise, portion control, the works.
As soon as it gets warm again.
Posted by: the weirdgirl | January 18, 2006 at 12:49 AM
How about sending yoru new word "crispety" to Webster's dictionary. I love it!! For the record, turducken is the most disgusting culinary concept ever created.
Posted by: Hud | January 18, 2006 at 08:44 AM
we had to do a sugar detox program at our house post holidays!!! it seemed we all needed the expandable waistlines only MY preggo clothes alloted for!
it lasted for all of about 6 days tho, not a house built on will power as our wine cupboard and sweets drawer will prove to anyone!!
Posted by: chelsyliz | January 18, 2006 at 09:09 AM
We still have a couple left from Halloween...I'll be right back....
Posted by: suburban misfit | January 18, 2006 at 12:52 PM
and the butterfinger crisps aren't bad either, they are like nutty bars but much, much better. I think I just gained a pound writing that.
Posted by: I don't know how she does it | January 19, 2006 at 11:54 AM
You mentioned how many could fit into your pocket, just for entertainment purposes you should see how many will fit in your mouth... always amusing.
Posted by: Lori | January 19, 2006 at 03:34 PM
Dammit, now I really want a Butterfinger. It's the crispety goodness . . .
Damn.
Posted by: Susan | January 19, 2006 at 08:44 PM