Watching the Unwatchable

First, thanks to all of you who have been de-lurking this week!  You'll all be receiving valuable coupons worth 1/100 of a cent (each!) which can be redeemed at your local coupon redemption center.  Don't let it be said that I don't take care of my readers.

You may also have noticed that Oodgie either bowed to spousal pressure or has been kidnapped and replaced by an exact replica and de-lurked herself!  I noticed that she didn't much like Casanova, which was this week's "Mommy & Me" movie at the local theater.  (Shocking that that would be the choice for a "Mommy & Me" movie, isn't it....you'd think Hostel, or maybe Get Rich or Die Tryin')  I asked her, "What didn't you like about it?"  Her response: "anything."  I asked her to expand:

"It was stupid, it was unclear, it was unromantic, it was plot-less...ok, there was a plot, but never mind.  It was boring.  The babies all started crying because it was boring.  And Heath Ledger still talked like he had marbles in his mouth, just like he did in the gay cowboy movie."

That's not exactly the way Roger Ebert would phrase it, but it certainly sounds like a 'thumbs down' to me.  It got me thinking about all the god-awful movies I've seen, and how much it sucks to be sitting there in the dark with your bag of popcorn and $10 poorer, glancing at your watch and realizing that no, you hadn't in fact been sitting there for six hours, but you weren't even half-way done.

Some movies are so incredibly bad that they transcend badness and become kinda good (e.g. Mothra vs. Godzilla, or Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man).  But some just flat out suck and make you wish an asteroid or global thermonuclear blast would vaporize the theater to end your misery and save you the frustration of walking out.  Don't try to weasel your way out of the room, Pauly Shore...you and David Spade need to get your butts back here right now, 'cause I'm talking to you.

Here are some simple rules I've used to avoid these crap-bombs:

• Any comedy starring Robert De Niro.   Any.  Of.  Them.
• If you hear the lead actor says on a talk show, "I always wanted an action franchise"
• If it's longer that 3 hours and stars Kevin Costner (but you knew that, didn't you)
• "Directed by Renny Harlin"
• If it has a merchandise tie-in with Taco Bell
• If the commercials say "critics are raving" then quotes Sixty-Second Preview
• "Science gave him sight.  She gave him vision."
• Any odd-numbered Star Trek or Adam Sandler movie
• Dick Tracy
• Any sequel which can't reunite the original cast.  More frightening--if you actually replace the lead actor.
• The only thing you hear during the movie trailer is O Fortuna from Carmina Burana

You're welcome.  Now, I've got to go get in line for the new Queen Latifah movie....

Comments

[WCG]

You haven't lived until you've seen "Barbarella", with Jane Fonda. I dare you.

[Mr. Big Dubya]

Hey - Jane Fonda was hot then and far less annoying.

Confession time: I like Hudson Hawk. I know, I know, it's beyond stupid and features (redundancy alert) an all too grating Sandra Bernhard, but it's still one of those Saturday-afternoon-sitting-on-the-couch doing nothing movies I'll watch.

[chelsyliz]

i find another safe steer-clear red flag is anything involving roller derby...be it in the eighties...or modern day starring LL Cool J...just my opinion though.

i am sure much good cinema has involved roller derby. i just havent seen it yet...

[WestCoastBrother2]

Don't forget any Jon Travolta movie other then Pulp Fiction.

"Battlefield Earth" = rather stick a fork in my eye then watch that hunk of crap again.

[kara]

my all time cinematic nightmares:
~westerns
~any steven king book adapted for the big screen
~mother-daughter films (being both, i don't know why i hate them so much, but i do)
~"...starring madonna, as..."
~ any film where a rapper is being outsmarted by a child. actually, any movie starring a precocious child actor where mayhem ensues
~ kids in peril movies: (flight plan, dark water) i don't need to see my worst and most feared nightmare on screen.
~anything directed by adrian lynde