It's been busy busy busy at Casa de Cheeky. For the last few days The Girls were in town, promising endless hours of the hard-lovin' only Cheeky's cousins can give. This week I'll be at a conference for three days, and several luminaries from my company are making a rare appearance in New York for this
boondoggle golden opportunity to improve our offering. We've spent numerous hours removing stickers from furniture and body parts around our apartment (a small price to pay to for shockingly effective toddler entertainment) and are working feverishly to get Oodgie's business up and running (I know I keep hinting at this, but I promised not to reveal it officially until just the right moment). It's 11:15 and I should be in bed, getting my beauty sleep and recharging my batteries.
(At this moment I'm forced to pause, reconsider any urges I have to thrust my index finger into my optic nerve or crush the keyboard beneath my tiny, squarish feet. Only because either would wake Cheeky and give her something else to try to eat.)
Our computer has been lumbering towards obsolescence for well over a year now. You'd hit the START button, go make a sandwich, and by the time you'd eaten half of it the menu would appear. I had to stop using some programs--like e-mail and minesweeper--altogether because they were too "resource-intensive" (which is tech-speak for "that which makes the fan on your hard-drive gasp and wheeze", like playing World of Warcraft on a VIC-20). I was ready to give up and buy a new one (with money from some as yet unhatched scheme involving blackmail and/or kidnapping of one of the Bush twins) but I decided to suck it up, format the damn thing, and see if I couldn't breathe new life into the old thing.
For a few hours there, I thought I had it. Everything was working great! I reloaded the whole operating system, and it was cruising. I downloaded all the updates necessary to get the computer up to snuff with all the newest gizmos and security protection. I even took a break to watch Family Guy while the final update--the enigmatically named "Service Pack 2" from Microsoft--installed. Ah, how relaxing it was to know that not all technology was doomed to failure.
I walked back in to find my computer in an endless loop, failing to launch Windows, rebooting, flashing an instantaneous blue screen, and periodically turning off the keyboard in an attempt to make me throw it out the window. It hissed and spit at me as that final update ate away at it's insides, chewing up code and giving me the binary equivalent of the finger.
This is NOT a result of user-error. I had that damn update on the hobbled version of my computer this morning, and at least I could get a pulse. This is a malicious assault from Redmond, specifically designed to foil me and me alone. Cyber-terrorism! Where's Homeland Security!?!
(By the way, why do computer companies tell you to "just visit our website" or "download the latest patch" when YOUR COMPUTER ISN'T WORKING? If I could get to your damn site do you think I'd be calling you? And don't you EVER ask me if I rebooted again, you pencil-necked little shit. I'm not one of those idiots who thinks their mouse is a foot-pedal, you know.)
And while I was typing the above paragraph, the second attempt to reinstall Windows failed, I assume because of a fail-safe to prevent me from
maintaining a shred of sanity pirating the software which everybody on the planet already has and I wouldn't be needing if the damn thing worked right the first time. GAH!
The only reason I'm able to share this with you is because I had the foresight to buy a Mac last year as the stumbling beast looked more and more like an endangered species. Now I'm staring at the dead hulk in the other room--which this morning was on life support but alive, and earlier this evening looked like it would at least be playing murderball, if not full-contact rugby--and calculating the likelihood of getting the leaders of Microsoft and HP alone on an island where some black smoke and a mysterious band of "others" can wreak havoc on their psyches.
In the meantime, if any of you have any functioning computers lying around you'd be willing to share, I'm taking offers. I need something else to smash.