BROOKLYN, NY - The results of a recent study, published in this month's Journal of Medicine, confirm that traditional treatments for the removal of Cheeky from her mother are ineffective, and surgical excision may be the only way to safely and effectively save the sanity of the mother.
The study was commissioned to explore the symbiotic relationship between parent and child, and how at times that relationship can take on the characteristics of parasitic relationships found in nature. Multiple therapies targeting the distraction and engagement of the Cheeky were studied in the initial trial, with mixed results yielding only temporary remission.
"Our findings indicate that, although treatments such as waving fruit in the air, throwing balls, and encouraging independent play may provide momentary relief, the long-term medical remediation is unfortunately to let the disease run its course." said Dr. Schwerertrinkermitverrücktenaugen. "At the moment, we don't understand what mechanisms are operating to bring about the response we have observed in our patients, and will continue our tests to isolate the biomarkers for further treatment."
The Cheeky is a unique form of growth--identifiable by a furry white cover which is impossible to remove--which attaches itself to the host's leg and emits a continuous "ma ma ma ma ma ma" noise when agitated or ignored. This behavior is particularly pronounced when the mother is going to the bathroom, or whenever early indications of a parent leaving the apartment are recognized.
Attempts to peel Cheeky off of it's host have resulted in serious injury to patients, including reports of heavy bleeding and strained muscles received when bracing against walls and furniture for leverage. Furthermore, Cheeky has a seemingly unending capacity to reattach to it's host, reinforcing the mental trauma already inflicted.
"Interestingly, there seems to be a dramatic drop-off of reported cases of this behavior when observing fathers," said Dr. Geschlagendurchamrandgescheites, co-author of the study. "Although occasional parasitic behavior can occur, the attachment with the male patient seems much more benign. Reading the Clifford pop-up book or playing with stickers is often enough to detach the entity, and only rarely is the radical "Elmo therapy" necessary."
Medical professionals, although stymied by the results of the study, have vowed to continue researching new techniques to at least reduce the psychological impact of the Cheeky's intense demonstrations for love and devotion. The use of grandparents has shown some success in limited clinical trials, and "giving her the damn banana" has also proven effective, if difficult to rely upon for extended relief.
"The good news is that the early data--gathered from similar studies of other parents--points towards future cessation with decreasing side-effects after a few months. The challenge remains how to get through the day without committing hara-kiri."