Men are from Mars, Women are from Someplace Else. I Wasn't Listening When She Told Me.

The other night I was lying in bed reading a new book and laughing so hard the bed was shaking.  Oodgie looked over at what I was reading and asked, "What is that?"

"It's a lumberjack punching Santa Claus"

"That's funny?"

"No, there's more," I said.  "Let me read something to you."

Time for a pop quiz:  What's more awesome than a lumberjack punching Santa in the face?  (A) Nothing, or (B) All of the above.  I gave this quiz to my friend's wife and she got the wrong answer.  She kept asking questions like "what's so cool about punching Santa Claus in the face?  That's not cool, that's mean."  Wrong answer, bitch.

"Funny, right?"

"What's wrong with you?"

OK, it's juvenile.  And ludicrous.  But it is also awesome.  I laughed for the same reason I laugh at old Schwarzenegger one-liners, beer commercials, and Jackass:  because I'm an idiot...I'm a guy.

We've had a few conversations lately about the difference between men and women.  Most of those conversations revolve around our divergent tolerances for filth.  I, for example, firmly believe that if you can't see it, it must not be dirty.  And if I keep my focus directly forward, preferably towards a glowing screen of any variety, I don't have to see much of anything. 

Oodgie takes a more flawed holistic view, in which she scans the entire apartment, cataloging every misplaced toy and every food-crusted fork stuck to the counter like it's been bolted there.  The problem with this approach, in my opinion, is that it makes it difficult for you to focus on the task at hand (see above) and creates unnecessary discomfort and unhappiness.  When she hits her threshold she begins cleaning up and (as I realize about ten minutes later) gets annoyed that I didn't instantly bounce up and start Windexing the floor with her.

Unfortunately, I think this is one of the great chasms between men and women. I actually try hard to do my fair share around the house, but I'm on a different time-line. It's on my list of things to do, but I'm doing something else right now.  I know I'll get around to it soon, but I prefer to save up the work so it's worth the energy.  Given a choice I would:

1. run the dishwasher only when squeezing another knife inside would tear the tray
2. file the bills only when our insurance policies and bank statements block the backspace key on the keyboard
3. do laundry only when I'm forced to reuse the underwear at the bottom of the hamper
4. fetch fresh toilet paper only when I have to waddle out of the bathroom with my butt-cheeks clenched and my pants around my ankles to get it
5. clean the tub never.  There's water in it every day...it must be clean.

The flip side of this is that  cleaning is more of an event to me, to be accompanied by a decent soundtrack (may I suggest Pyromania?) and involving overturned furniture, several rolls of paper towels, duct tape and a leaf blower.  When I finally hit my breaking point, I'll take the time to reorganize books so proportional sizes are arranged together, repair the plumbing, and dust under the rugs as part of the same exercise.  When I'm done with the place it looks like the centerfold of a Pottery Barn catalog and smells like a dewy meadow at the cusp of a spring dawn.

Which way is better?  I'll wager the answer would split down gender lines.  Both have their merits:  mine because it's more thorough and allows for more free time, hers because the more she cleans the less likely I am to hit my threshold, thereby postponing the need for me to turn off The Lost Boys.

What's this have to do with a lumberjack punching Santa in the face?  Very little, it turns out.  But if you were to replace the lumberjack with Dirty Harry, Santa with a dinosaur, and the fist with a lava-coated ninja-blade, then...well, that guy probably wouldn't clean the house much either, would he?  He's too busy kicking asses!  But you'd be safe from dinosaurs, wouldn't you?

Comments

[domestic_slackstress]

I've been known to resort to napkins for TP. Although, they do chafe the bung hole, to stoop to a Beavis and Butthead reference.

[whit]

I think the best way is her doing it. Always. Don't use my name when you float this idea.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

I am starting to really wonder if I wasn't meant to be a man.

[Britt]

I've never commented here before, but check in often. A friend of mine recommended this book yesterday -

A Perfect Mess: The Hidden Benefits of Disorder--How Crammed Closets, Cluttered Offices, and On-the-Fly Planning Make the World a Better Place by Eric Abrahamson, David H. Freedman

A book that defends messiness! Can you beleive it? It must be a dream.

[F C]

Hmmm. My wife and I are just the opposite to you two in terms of cleaning habits. I am of the "run the dishwasher every 5 seconds" type, while she puts things off until she has to jump over piles of stuff.

[Kara]

What Sarah said.

Oh, and we have a cleaning lady.

[WCG]

I believe I read somewhere that "Messiness is a sign of Genius".

[Kemp]

Whoa, whoa, whoa... wait a minute? Men and women are different? Is that why I'm getting those strange looks when I use the womans restroom?

Seriously though, I learned long ago that in order to maintain peace in the universe; help clean. My wife and I made an agreement when we got married (almost 10 years ago), I would clean the kitchen, and she would keep the bathroom clean. THe rest of the house? Meh...

[Theo]

Hey Tony, you should get a few pairs of these. No need to work your way to the bottom of the laundry pile anymore. ;-)

http://www.livescience.com/scienceoffiction/070105_nanofabric.html

[Kristen]

We have a cleaning service too - it was the only thing that finally resolved the Mars-Venus cleaning issue.