Quickly Press Up, Down, Up, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, Up, Down, Start to Unlock Total Frustration

One of my many vices--a list that includes microbrews, komodo dragon eggs, and wearing Kiss makeup to work--is video games.  It's a vice that isn't so popular with the other residents of the house, one of whom wants me to "relate to your family" or "listen when I'm talking to you" while the other thinks the TV is just a communication device to Orson Elmo.  But as I've said before, I love my games, and as scintillating as folding laundry or reruns of Seinfeld may be I'd still rather have a controller in my hand, dishing out some pain to genetically mutated zombies.

Thanks to the IRS, who was kind enough to sit on a large stash of my cash for the better part of last year, we've decided that it's OK to invest a little money in our own happiness.  Oodgie, bless her, knew that this meant that if I didn't upgrade from my Xbox--which was already two years old--I'd whine like a two year old who'd gone three minutes without candy.  Enter the Xbox 360.

I hooked the bad boy up this weekend, and popped in the game which one friend described to me as "like crack, but more addictive."  It was completely awesome.  But it did expose one fatal flaw in my plans.

I'm not very good at video games.

What's hard to explain to Oodgie, after coming to bed at 4 AM with sore thumbs and a bad attitude, is that I spent half that time trying to do the same thing over and over again, but failing miserably the first 30 times.  I just can't let puzzles lie, and damn it if I'm going to let some alien invaders enchanted sorcerer Lego jedi pinhead programmer get the better of me.  And like many things in life that confound and annoy me, I express my frustration verbally.  Loudly.  Angrily.  And generally with great profanity.

If you're curious (and I'm sure you are) I have found a video replica (below, NSFW) of my gaming experience online, so scarily identical to mine that it could only be an illegally captured recording of me.  If you have the patience, I encourage you to sit through the duration, because only then can you truly capture the suffering, the tenacity, and the futility of my efforts.

           

Comments

[p-man]

I would've voted you hot but for this post.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

I'm mostly just racking my brain to figure out a way to work that KISS makeup picture somehow onto my blog.

[Kemp]

Been there, done that, yelled at. That's why I only play when the girls (wife included) are asleep...

And I did cast some votes for you...

[whit]

I don't have to watch it. I live it. I'm still on the original X-Box (don't laugh). My wife and I have been playing the same Marvel Alliance game for months, on the easy level no less, and we are going nowhere fast. Sad really.

What is up with the KISS guys choosing Eric Carr and Vinnie Vincent over Peter and Ace? Blasphamy.

[WestCoastBrother2]

That's great you finally picked up a 360. Have you set up your live account yet? You should get a free year with the premium kit. Also, I would highly highly highly recommend picking up Oblivion. You would live...eh....love it. My gamer tag is 'WithOutPapers69' Let me know yours when you get it set up.

[Mr. Big Dubya]

You know, you can come up to CT and bring that 360 with you - let's see how that puppy looks in 50" of hi-def

I'm gonna hook up the Gen 1 Xbox and start playing Halo and Black all over again. Thank God we're looking at sectionals with pull-out beds.

[Mom101]

You know I'm sending this to Nate right now which means you've got...ohhhhhh, say 16 minutes before you get a knock at your door.

[L.A. Daddy]

I'm with ya. It's the same reason I don't have the screaming urge to get one of the new game units. I suck.

I am pretty good at the sports games, but nothing else. And even then, it's just football. But I'm sure I'll get one eventually.

[Joel]

I used to love that Tron video game - especially the way the screen glowed blue like in the movie. Did you ever play it? Happy gaming...