It's that time of year again, when the synthetic smell of astroturf mingles with the stale beer and burned hot dogs wafting in from the parking lot. That's right, kids...it's football season!
For the second year in row, a dozen bloggers are coming together to
give me their money compete in that most hallowed of autumn rituals: fantasy football. The cast of characters range from well-respected member of the community (MetroDad, Child’s Play x2, Sarah & the Goon Squad) to the effectively retired (BIYF, More Diapers), with appearances from the royal family (Kaiser & Queen of Spain), four-letter words (Bump & Kemp), a quote from my high school report card (Marginally Clever) and a rookie (LA Daddy). And of course there's me, whose superiority at fantasy football is of such staggering proportions that no adjective in the English language has yet been invented to describe it.
The draft is tonight, and if possible I plan to live-blog the proceedings. Last year I live-blogged a different league's draft, which I went on to almost win (lost by two points in the championship, thanks to Andy Reid sitting Westbrook & Garcia in week 17 without telling anyone...dickhead) but since my tonights draft is populated by characters most of you already know it should be entertaining.
So tune in here around 8:30 Eastern, 5:30 Pacific for expert (and one-sided) commentary, as well as whatever choice smack-talk I can snatch between glances at my cheat sheet.
8:42 - Late start tonight, as More Diapers has inexplicably not shown up. Top picks went as expected, except for LA Daddy who got a jump on his 2005 draft by picking Shaun Alexander.
8:44 - If anyone want to take that pussy More Diapers' place leave a comment...I'm drafting for him and if you've got the cash you're in.
8:47 - The Queen of Spain takes Tom Brady in a futile attempt to have his next baby. Drew Brees fall to me. Aw shucks.
9:00 - The first Buccaneers joke of the night. We all wait patiently while Sarah struggles for a comeback...
9:02 - "Suck it." It took Sarah two minutes to come up with that.
9:13 - Things start to get boring. All the good trash talk happened before the draft started, and with only a putrid reference to BIYF's "tight end" to keep us going. zzzzzzz
9:19 - Kemp drafts Vincent Jackson in the fourth round. The sound you hear is papers being flipped as everyone else tries to find him on their draft sheets.
9:22 - Inexplicable Defending Champion Child's Play x2 takes the Ravens D as his first pick in the fifth round. This of course triggers LA Daddy to panic and pick the Bears. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief that these guys are in our league.
9:33 - MetroDad sums it up: "multitasking's a bitch--put kid down, pour scotch, watch Mets, smoke bowl, read CroutonBoy's blog, & wait for you bitches to make picks"
9:45 - A brief discussion commences as to whether there is anyone on the Washington Redskins worth drafting at all. I'm reminded of a song by Atom & His Package. It sucks to be a D.C. football fan...
9:51 - After MetroDad picks Jon Kitna, the Queen of Spain admits she once painted her bedroom Honolulu Blue in honor of the Lions. It later turns out that her first high school boyfriend looked exactly like Wayne Fontes. I quietly commit to forming a foundation to help her with her illness.
10:05 - I've been drafting for More Diapers this whole time. His team has Peyton Manning, Clinton Portis, and T.J Ahmandinejad. Let me know if anyone wants in to take the coward's place.
10:13 - I draft Lamont Jordan as my #3 RB in the 8th round. The crappy middle of the draft is definitely upon us.
10:29 - Things are slow, and I'm distracted by Oodgie watching a show in which a man is demonstrating how to give yourself an enema. My wife, ladies and gentlemen.
10:44 - Lots of "DAMMIT" We're in round 10 and everybody seems to have the same sleeper picks. Everybody also seems to have the same spouse, as at least a quarter of the participants admit their spouses are watching the same cancer show Oodgie is watching.
10:49 - For those of you who've never experienced the sublime joy of fantasy football, you've also never experienced the tedious boredom of the final rounds. These are the rounds where you either pick up unexpected gems or schlubs you can dump at a moment's notice. I'm staring at the list of the remaining players and it's as interesting as the closing credits of Muriel's Wedding. I still have five more people (well, four and a kicker) to pick from this list. The names are starting to blur, although that could be the scotch.
11:05 - Queen of Spain drafts Chad Pennington, which immediately reminds me of a GREAT quote from Vince Young, QB of the Tennessee Titans, who is also a fantasy football player. In an interview Young confesses he plans to pick his No. 1 fantasy QB at or around the 6th round, "before somebody starts a run and I get stuck with Chad Pennington or some shit." New York Jets fans all nod in agreement.
11:12 - It's the 11th round, and BIYF is still treating every pick like he's on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" and he's all out of lifelines. Our children are aging and he's trying to pick a kicker, which you could effectively do alphabetically.
11:14 - And to prove me wrong he picks Steve McNair, the man who spends more time in hospitals than the cast of ER. Definitely worth the wait.
11:19 - I'm not sure, but I think Sarah just said that Najeh Davenport, backup RB for the Pittsburgh Steelers, "pooped in a laundry basket." Or maybe she just did. Either way, someone needs some Shout.
11:32 - I usually wait until near the end of the draft to pick up a defense. Unless you're an elite defense (i.e. Chicago and Baltimore) there's rarely a huge difference between them. So here I am, round 13, and everyone's picked a defense but me and Bump. I get the sinking feeling that this might not have been the year for this strategy, and I close my eyes and pick the Vikings, because I'm stupid and I hate myself. At this point, I'm just trying to pick someone I haven't picked in the past to let me down. I wonder if this is what single people in their 40's feel like...
11:50 - Finally, the home stretch. People are getting their last picks in and dropping off with farewell messages like, "Goodnight, asshats!" and "I'm outta hear, bitches!" as if we're all leaving the high school cafeteria. Which is how I like it. The end of this draft felt like some wounded water buffalo stumbling towards shore to die. The promise of good smack-talk for the next four months redeemed it.
The Morning After: The mystery of More Diapers' disappearance has been resolved! Somewhere in the tubes of the internet all the updates and abusive behavior leading up the draft were lost and he was unaware we were drafting. I have to withdraw my reference to him as a "coward" and a "pussy," although I reserve the right to use them again later in the season.