Story Time at Casa de Cheeky

"Daddy, will you tell me a story?"

The big blue eyes looked up at me, while the ketchup-stained lips continued to smack away at their chicken fingers.  Stories had recently become a part of meal time, and with Oodgie out of the room I was on the spot.

Oodgie usually deals with this by telling inane stories that sound remarkably like snippets of daily life.  "Once upon a time there was a little girl named Cheeky who went to Grandma's house and played with puzzles.  Then she had some mac and cheese and chased the cats, then she came home.  The end."  It works--Cheeky's into it--but our lives are so collectively boring that for me reliving them in a abridged toddler-speak is makes me dream of placing a shotgun between my teeth.

Faced with the prospect of fulfilling my darling daughter's request for entertainment--but unwilling to take the quicker, easier, more seductive route outlined above--I immediately rifled through the poorly organized cards in my mental rolodex looking for some nursery rhyme or fairy tale still loitering around from childhood. 

To my dismay, though, I found that despite a clear recollection of once knowing the Grimm cannon and other random folklore I could in no way compile a narrative thread that held any of them together.  I could name principle characters, and generally remembered the horrific things that happen to them (grandparents eaten by wolf, children locked in rooms, talking animals, etc.) but a story about giants or severed body parts would at best confuse Cheeky, and at worst send her running into the den to watch Dora and punish us with another hour of her incessant yelling.  (Dora's, not Cheeky's)

So I improvised.

"Once upon a time there was a cop named John McClane, who flew in a big airplane to see his wife in LA.  But when he got to Nakatomi Plaza he discovered the building was being robbed by a bad man named Hans, who tried very hard to stop Officer McClane.  But Officer McClaine was very resourceful, and after walking across glass and jumping off the roof, he eventually stopped Hans and save everybody.  Hooray!  The end!"

"What on earth are you doing in there?" piped Oodgie from another room.  "That's not a good story!"

"First of all, it IS a good story, and second it's what I know!  I can't just make up a story as good as that one!  Did you like the story, Cheeky?"

Pause

"Sure!"  She reached down to get another chicken finger.

An audible sigh can be heard through the wall.  I relaxed, knowing that once again I had overcome adversity and mastered a crucial talent of parenting...in my own way.

"Can you tell me another story, Daddy?"

"Of course, sweety.  Once upon a time a soldier named Dutch took his team of elite commandos into the jungle to extract an informant, but little did they know that there was an alien hunter in the treetops waiting to pick them off, one by one...."

The end.

Comments

[WCG]

Okay, time to get in her bedroom, take out those story books we sent and get a refresher course on those timeless stories. They'll all come back to you.

[MetroDad]

That is an AWESOME idea. I'm definitely using it tonight at bedtime. Perhaps we'll start with the oeuvre of Schwarzenneger movies.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Brilliant!

(Tell Karl his brother is dead.)

[Arwen]

Hubby used to sing the Violent Femmes to Noodle as a lullabies...When I'm a walking I strut myself...but in a soft sweet voice.
He didn't know any lullabies. I think this is why she doesn't like Hannah Montana and she does like the Pixies.

[LOD]

"In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit..."

[p-man]

I have the kids singing along to selections from 'Drums & Wires' which I think guarantees they, like me, will never be able to dance.

[FC]

My dad used to tell me the best stories, until I finally caught on that he was basically retelling I Love Lucy episodes with the names of the characters changed.

It was a sad day for both of us when I realized it.

[the weirdgirl]

That is totally the type of story Keen would tell. Especially Die Hard. He loves those flicks.

Me, like others above, just sing Ramones, and Violent Femmes, and other alternative/punk ditties. And yes, my son sings along.

[TheOtherCW]

I now have a present for her b-day. Thanks for making it so easy :D.

[L.A. Daddy]

Ahh, my favorite Christmas movie! Excellent idea.

As a screenwriter, I could never make up a story on the spot. I'd have to test the pitch concept with marketing first, to see if there would be a trailer.

Then I'd have to let the agent haggle over the price. We didn't strike for nothin' ya know.

Then, there would be the two weeks of outlining. Posting everything on a 3x5 card and filling the big board with all the story beats.

Then there would be the finalized treatment for the story.

Next, I'd have to deal with all the studio notes asking for ridiculous changes.

Finally, there would be several drafts, a polish, and a shooting script.

That's just too much to ask. I'll need at least a month...