It's time once again to look back at the year that was, and hand out our annual awards to those things that made us go "hmmm" during the year. And there were a few, what with that whole election-thingy going on (Congratulations, Mr. Harper!) and the launch of iFart. I've received numerous calls from the the Times of India, Le Monde, and Al Jazeera asking when this years version would be ready, and to avoid them I've had to do what I normally do when my family calls: speak only in a garbled, broken mixture of Navaho and Klingon and pretend it's a wrong number.
Let's see if I can distill the tremendous events of 2008 into something more vapid, frivolous, and puerile.
The David Ortiz Award for Best Moment in Sports (or, technically, 3:12.23 minutes)
The Scrabulous Award for Most Pointless Distraction
The Animal Collective Award for This Years Most Overrated Musician or Band
CroutonBoy's Official Album of the Year Award
The Yosemite Sam Award for Worst Trend in Fashion
The Johnny Cash Award for Best Comeback
The Jury Duty Award for period of time so excruciatingly boring that you'd have secretly traded it for a zombie apocalypse just to end your suffering
The Dana Carvey Award for Right Place, Right Election Year
The Vincent Schiavelli Award for Most Criminally Under-Reported Celebrity Death
The Pediculosis Award for Most Annoying Example of Pathetic Human Behavior
The Krystof Azninski Award for Most Compelling Evidence that I Need a New Brain
The Hans Brinker Award for Superior Effort to Hold Back the Inevitable Forces of Nature
And while I'm at it, I'd like to dedicate this song to my 401k
I hope you all have a safe and happy new year! Here's hoping the next 12 months have less talk, more rock, and the invention of delicious, guilt-free nachos!
* Sorry, Yewknee...couldn't resist all that fur! Trust me, it looks good on you!