If You Must Fear Anything In This World, Fear Disney

We interrupt the laziness that has defined this blog of late for an urgent message regarding an insidious evil which threatens the very fabric of Western civilization.

I'm not talking about cyberterrorism or the apparently unkillable Tony Almeida.  I'm talking about Disney.

Yes that Disney.  The one with the mouse ears, cuddly woodland creatures and the majority ownership in ESPN.

I'm compelled as a parent to protect my child from the swirling winds of crappiness and loserfication which buffet her every day.  I valiantly and successfully kept the purple dinosaur at bay, and I've saved her from the cuddly suckiness of Boobah and Teletubbies until the day I pass her a joint for the first time.  But I was blind to that old friend, who every Sunday night of my childhood dished out healthy, wholesome doses of Chip 'n' Dale, the Apple Dumpling Gang, and Escape to Witch Mountain. 

Unbeknownst to me, Disney's marketing team was not content to roll back and forth on their private islands made of Krugerrands and fairy tears.  Sensing a vulnerability in the o-ring of the young female psyche, they stole a page from George Lucas, wrapped their hands firmly around the withered, chapped teats of their glorious past, and squeezed out a dastardly plot to desecrate their legacy for spectacular profits.  

Thus was spawned the bane of my existence -- Disney Princesses

Don't ask me how this malevolent force swept past my defenses.  I've rocked back and forth late into the night, my knees clutched close to my chest, trying to comprehend how it gnawed through our floorboards, crawled into my daughter's ear, and wrapped itself around her cerebral cortex.

I've tried to gently steer Cheeky towards the finer, cooler things in life but once Disney had her in their clutches, resistance became futile.

Every morning is a debate over not whether to wear a princess dress, but which one (thanks a lot, ECG!)  I'm constantly corrected over the difference between Cinderella and Aurora (Cinderella, apparently wears her hair up).  And for the love of god what sadistic fuck invented the Pretty Pretty Princess game?  You've already taken my daughter, Disney...must you also take my dignity?

And what sort of lessons are these Princesses teaching?  You'll never be happy with out a big, strong handsome prince?  Living in the woods with seven vertically challenged miners is a good idea?  And let's not forget that if life kicks you in the teeth you should just suck it up, cause eventually a fairy godmother will materialize and fix it all?  You know, just like in real life. *

I'm all for introducing my child to strong female role-models. I think Disney even dabbled in some of their own for a day or two.  But from what I can tell these cel-animated bitches have done nothing but reinforce the importance of coordinating jewelry with your gown, which might cut it in fairy-tale land but not in my house.  Much more of this and I'm shipping her off to Dagobah to "unlearn what she has learned."

And one last thing...don't even get me started on the impending whoring of my beloved Muppets, whose de-coolification began with their last Christmas special and will probably continue until Fraggle Rock is revealed to be behind the auto shop at East High School.

* By the way, have you ever gone back and read the original fairy tales these princesses are based upon?  Holy crap, there's some seriously messed up shit going on!  At the end of Snow White the wicked Queen has to wear heated iron shoes until she's dead!  I read one version of Cinderella in which her step-sisters were struck blind!  And there's a lot of huntsman with axes roaming around doing things that would get you a part in the Cannibal Holocaust sequel.  Grimm times, indeed...

Comments

[OM]

And in the original book (and early films), when the little mermaid started walking on the beach, every step was like walking on knives. I mean, I still get emotional when I remember watching the old movies as a kid. They made her walk really slowly on the beach. You could actually feel the knives. That was romance. You don't need faux-Caribbean songs to create an atmosphere.

[always home and uncool]

The Princess thing ends with a big thud into all things Hannah Montana.

[landismom]

ahau is totally right. And those bastards at Disney will still keep taking your money, through the Hannah Montana and High School Musical franchises. The good news is that they stop wanting to force you to lose your dignity through board games. The bad news is that you will spend waaaaaay more time than you want to on Fandango buying pre-opening tickets to High School Musical 10 (or whatever they're up to by that point).

[Kara]

I dearly miss the days of Princesslust because I now identify those days as the golden era of childhood when my wee babe believed that mom and dad could do anything- before homework and peer pressure and kids at school who teach your kid how to swear and then.... tell her that princesses are lame and loser-ish and only for babies.

I know this is a very heavy comment for a funny post but some day you'll find yourself at Disneyworld, as we did last weekend, begging your daughter to admit that once upon a time she thought princesses were pretty awesome and reassuring her that nobody from school was around the hear her.

I love princesses. Cheeky can come over and play princess with us anytime. And I bet you look just like Ace Frehley in makeup.

[Kara]

(in princess makeup, I mean)

[TheOtherCW]

But you make such a pretty, pretty princess. Don't you like being a pretty princess?

[Joel]

Dude - I feel your pain although I was laughing all the way through this post. I can't understand how it happened to the Bun either. Now the grandparents have picked it up and ran with it against all our protests. Mermaid nightgowns, dishes, movies - where will it end! I wrote about our experiences but not as eloquently as you. We'll commiserate together virtually...

http://littlebunsblog.blogspot.com/2009/01/millies-underwater-christmas.html#links

[babbo]

Although I have two boys, I try very hard to teach them about respecting women.

There is still such a culture of depicting women as subservient, egged on by countless magazines TV shows depicting women as sex objects.

I think your daughter will be in a far better place as an adult having you for a dad. I wish my wife's parents had made such effort and been so passionate about parenting.

I say buy a copy of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1. There's empowerment.

Peace, man.

babbo
www.daddybrain.wordpress.com

[mo-wo]

I need this. But still, it doesn't help. It is just that severe.

Signed, mother of a 4 and 1/2 year old.

[Mom101]

This just might be my favorite post of yours ever.

That said, you know your daughter will be forbidden from wielding her pop culture influence around mine right?

[evan]

“I've rocked back and forth late into the night, my knees clutched close to my chest, trying to comprehend how it gnawed through our floorboards...”

No use beating yourself up; just remember that you’re up against a dark cabal of professionals who have been at this for the better part of a century. A cabal, I might add, of supernatural marketing forces still led to this day by the frozen head of the Dark Master Himself.

Or maybe not. Either way, I have to agree with Kara; my kids are teens now and I do kinda miss the days when everything was simpler and a VCR full of Aladdin made everything Ok. (Sigh)

[Redneck Mommy]

Heh. Having survived my turn at being tortured by Disney, I can justly say I'm glad it's you and not me.

I still am haunted by nightmares involving Belle and Ariel.

Ugh.

I read a version of Cinderella where one of the step sisters actually carved her foot in half in order to shove it in the glass slipper.

Where is Disney's version of that? I'd totally pay money to see it.

Wink.

[Jesa]

yep- the stepsis's in cinderella cut off part of their feet (no fairy godmother in this version, either, just a very giving walnut tree, and some helpful birds in it), Ariel was supposed to stab the other girl, piping hot dancing shoes, some incest, oh and bestiality- we all remember Thumbelina (Beauty and the Beast is way too easy, and it didn't happen there, though I'm sure it should of)... lots of knives.I heart fairy tales.
where's Baba Yaga when you need her?