...On the Other Hand, New York, You Sometimes Kinda Suck

As a companion piece to the things about New York we're going to miss, here is a short but by no means complete list of things I WON'T miss about the city....the stuff that makes me want to gouge my eyes out and punch people in the back of the head. 

• The subway platforms in August
• Midtown
• The complete lack of customer service.  Anywhere.
• Carrying groceries home from the store by hand.  On foot.
• Cabs with no leg room
• The BQE
• No stars
• Assaulting, pervasive, continuous noise
• Over-privileged Upper East Side assholes
• Scaffolding. Always with the scaffolding.
• Fashion Week
• The corner of 86th and 3rd
• 22-year old asshole investment bankers
• Velvet ropes
• Penn Station
• The kind of behavior that reinforces racial stereotypes
• Gristedes
• The overwhelming stench of urine and B.O. in the summer
• Over-rated pizza
• Jets fans
• Tiny little dogs that wouldn't even make a good appetizer
• My first studio apartment: 525 sq ft.  $2350/month
• Delivery trucks
• Assumption that every bike ride may end with you splattered on a windshield
• The Knicks
• Slack-jawed tourist assholes jamming up the Brooklyn Bridge path
• The Puerto Rican Day/St. Patricks Day/Gay Pride/Dominican Day parades
• Alternate side parking rules
• Anything even remotely associated with Times Square
• Getting poked in the eye by umbrellas
• Hyper-literate, condescending artist/writer assholes
• Pre-school tuition
• Weekend subway service changes
• The industrial waste that street vendor hot dogs float in
• Being fiscally raped on EVERYTHING
• The faux drama of the Yankees
• Constant threat of alien, monster, or asteroid attack
• Self-righteous, aggressive asshole Park Slope sancti-mommies
• Air conditioner window units
• Long Island City
• The embarrassing hole where the World Trade Center used to be.  Still.
• Pretentious restaurants and clubs that pump house music until your eardrums bleed
• Friends who visit and make you take them to the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, etc.

What can I say.  New York, I love you, but you're bringing me down...

Comments

[Ann T]

That was the most brilliant Kermit-the-Frogging I have seen in a long time.

[Marquardt]

Nice find. Brilliant...

[Libby]

You know, a few months ago I would have taken Park Slope Mommy Assholes personally....

[Mom101]

You know, pretty much all of these things can be avoided if you're rich. Except maybe the condescending writer assholes.

So you'll just have to get rich and come back. That's all there is to it.

[Jason]

scaffolding is the shit, would you rather see temporary structural steel here and there ... or have buildings crumbling down on our heads, the city falling to ruins, and people hopelessly searching for another solution to overcome one of the strongest forces in the universe?