Yes that Disney. The one with the mouse ears, cuddly woodland creatures and the majority ownership in ESPN.
I'm compelled as a parent to protect my child from the swirling winds of crappiness and loserfication which buffet her every day. I valiantly and successfully kept the purple dinosaur at bay, and I've saved her from the cuddly suckiness of Boobah and Teletubbies until the day I pass her a joint for the first time. But I was blind to that old friend, who every Sunday night of my childhood dished out healthy, wholesome doses of Chip 'n' Dale, the Apple Dumpling Gang, and Escape to Witch Mountain.
Unbeknownst to me, Disney's marketing team was not content to roll back and forth on their private islands made of Krugerrands and fairy tears. Sensing a vulnerability in the o-ring of the young female psyche, they stole a page from George Lucas, wrapped their hands firmly around the withered, chapped teats of their glorious past, and squeezed out a dastardly plot to desecrate their legacy for spectacular profits.
Thus was spawned the bane of my existence -- Disney Princesses
Don't ask me how this malevolent force swept past my defenses. I've rocked back and forth late into the night, my knees clutched close to my chest, trying to comprehend how it gnawed through our floorboards, crawled into my daughter's ear, and wrapped itself around her cerebral cortex.
Every morning is a debate over not whether to wear a princess dress, but which one (thanks a lot, ECG!) I'm constantly corrected over the difference between Cinderella and Aurora (Cinderella, apparently wears her hair up). And for the love of god what sadistic fuck invented the Pretty Pretty Princess game? You've already taken my daughter, Disney...must you also take my dignity?
And what sort of lessons are these Princesses teaching? You'll never be happy with out a big, strong handsome prince? Living in the woods with seven vertically challenged miners is a good idea? And let's not forget that if life kicks you in the teeth you should just suck it up, cause eventually a fairy godmother will materialize and fix it all? You know, just like in real life. *
I'm all for introducing my child to strong female role-models. I think Disney even dabbled in some of their own for a day or two. But from what I can tell these cel-animated bitches have done nothing but reinforce the importance of coordinating jewelry with your gown, which might cut it in fairy-tale land but not in my house. Much more of this and I'm shipping her off to Dagobah to "unlearn what she has learned."
And one last thing...don't even get me started on the impending whoring of my beloved Muppets, whose de-coolification began with their last Christmas special and will probably continue until Fraggle Rock is revealed to be behind the auto shop at East High School.
* By the way, have you ever gone back and read the original fairy tales these princesses are based upon? Holy crap, there's some seriously messed up shit going on! At the end of Snow White the wicked Queen has to wear heated iron shoes until she's dead! I read one version of Cinderella in which her step-sisters were struck blind! And there's a lot of huntsman with axes roaming around doing things that would get you a part in the Cannibal Holocaust sequel. Grimm times, indeed...