Do you ever think about what movies would be like if you were in charge of the studios? I do...all the time. Seriously, Madea's Family Reunion? Failure to Launch? Larry the Cable Guy???? You need to leave all sharp objects at the door so you're not tempted to gouge your eyes out. And what about the sequels? It's been a while since we've been blessed with Weekend at Bernie's 2 or Big Top Pee Wee, but you won't see Ice Age: The Meltdown and Basic Instinct 2 on my DVD shelf anytime soon either...
So Hollywood, I'm talking to you. I know you read this site religiously, and you're probably putting together an offer to buy the TV rights to Cheeky's life (current working title = "Puddle of Drool", same as my college memoirs), but these are sure-fire winners guaranteed to get your summer audience back.
ERASING JAR JAR: In this movie Marty McFly or maybe Bill and Ted go back in time to 1993 to capture George Lucas and prevent him from making the last three Star Wars movies. They replace Lucas with a robotic look-alike (played by Eric Bana) who hands the writing and directing duties to a young Peter Jackson (with a little help from Shane Black) and the franchise--and the childhood happiness of millions--is saved from utter mediocrity. That's a happy ending!
ALIENS VS. PREDATOR VS. ROBOCOP: Why not? It writes itself!
LARA CROFT: THE LEGEND OF LIONHEART: Angelina Jolie must battle a secret cabal of washed up actors, played by Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Segal, and Corey Haim, who are using a magical ruby to control an army of ninja-zombies. At the end, it turns out the mastermind behind the cabal is Jennifer Aniston, and they totally get into a cat-fight. Oscars all around.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE'S OTHELLO, AS INTERPRETED BY WILL FERRELL, JACK BLACK, AND DAVE CHAPPELLE: That's the whole script I have so far, but you get the basic idea.
THE DISASTER MOVIE: I've been planning on making this movie myself for a while, because it's cheap and brilliant. All you need to do is take all the movie scenes of things blowing up and/or being destroyed (excluding The Core...Hillary Swank should be embarrassed) and splice them together. No dialog, no pointless love stories or tearful reunions, and no Ben Affleck. Imagine New York being destroyed by an asteroid, and then blown up by aliens, cutting quickly to twisters in L.A. and a tidal wave wiping out Tea Leoni? Then we'll sink the Titanic. Think of the marital strife that would be saved if we could just see all those scenes in a row instead of telling our spouses, "Wait just a second...the cool stuff is about to happen...then you can switch to The View."
And that's just the stuff I came up with in half an hour this morning! Imagine the ideas my friends and I could come up with if we had 12 hours and an open bar? Come on Hollywood...here's your chance! Surely any one of these is better than Doogal. My agent will be contacting you...